What does DARVO look like in marriage and relationships? DARVO is an acronym that stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim, and Offender.1 It is used by exploitative people to silence and control victims by eroding their sense of reality and support.2 This tactic is a severe ethical violation within marriage and intimate partnerships, as it systematically eradicates truth, trust, and respect.3 By blame-shifting onto the victim, it not only prevents genuine conflict resolution but also grants abusers an unconscionable escape from the consequences of their actions.4 Given the severe health consequences of this behavior, particularly within marriages and intimate partnerships, many countries have criminalized it as part of a broader pattern of abuse called coercive control.5
In this article you will learn:
- What is DARVO in Marriage and Relationships?
- Why People Use DARVO: The Psychology Behind It
- How to Recognize DARVO in Marriage and Relationships
- The Devastating Effects of DARVO on Mental Health
- DARVO vs. Gaslighting: Key Differences Explained
- How to Respond to DARVO: 6 Strategies to Protect Yourself
- Real-Life Examples of DARVO Manipulation
- FAQs on DARVO in Relationships
- Takeaway: Breaking Free from DARVO
What is DARVO in Marriage and Relationships?
DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim and Offender roles) is an acronym used to describe the process by which perpetrators of interpersonal violence discredit their victims in the eyes of observers, accomplished through the deflection of blame and the transference of responsibility for the abuse.6 Abusers use DARVO as a means to control the narrative by denying or minimizing their harmful actions, especially when third parties are present, to avoid consequences and maintain a façade.7
Perpetrators of the DARVO tactic:
- Deny or minimize the harm they have inflicted
- Attack the victim’s credibility, and
- Reverse the roles to make themselves the victim
At the core of DARVO is the perpetrator’s refusal to take responsibility for their abusive behavior. Abusers control bystanders’ perceptions through scapegoating, thereby preserving their power and dominance in their intimate relationships and broader social networks.8 Through DARVO, abusers deflect blame and fabricate a victim narrative, successfully deceiving bystanders and securing their support, thereby maintaining impunity.
What is the Purpose of DARVO in Marriage and Relationships?
DARVO is often used in abusive power and control dynamics to help the perpetrator maintain their superiority and control, while simultaneously disempowering the victim by eroding the their self-esteem, sense of reality, and access to support. The long-term effects of this manipulation can be devastating, leaving the victim feeling confused, helpless, and trapped in a cycle of abuse.
DARVO is an advanced triangulation tactic. It can be thought of as active and intentional power consolidation that is used to disempower the victimized person.9
Through DARVO, abusers in marriage and intimate relationships:
- Frighten The Victim – DARVO is used to intimidate victim-survivors by giving them the impression that the perpetrator can dictate reality.10
- Build a Power Base – Abusers employ a calculated strategy to augment and secure their power, manipulating social dynamics to create an external network that reinforces their control beyond the confines of the immediate relationship.11
- Reinforce Dominance – Each successful use of the DARVO tactic reinforces the abuser’s dominance. It sends a message to the victim (and to any potential witnesses) that the abuser is in control and that resistance is futile.
- Create a System of Control – Abusers engage in a form of social engineering, creating a system of control that goes beyond individual interactions by manipulating bystander perceptions to normalize and perpetuate their abuse.
- Long-Term Strategy – The abuser isn’t just trying to win an argument; they are building a foundation for continued control and abuse.
In addition to the injustice of being blamed for the abuser’s actions, victims are cruelly forced to carry the added weight of being seen as liars–a projection of the abuser’s own manipulative native. The abuser’s false narrative isolates the victim, cutting them off from vital support and cultivating a sense of psychological entrapment.
Why People Use DARVO: The Psychology Behind It
Abusers often use DARVO when publicly confronted about their harmful behavior by the victim-survivor.12 The deceptive nature of this tactic proves highly effective in absolving abusers of responsibility when employed in front of those unfamiliar with power and control dynamics.13
DARVO involves minimizing or denying the harmful actions, discrediting the victim (sometimes by falsely claiming the victim-survivor is the real abuser), and casting the abuser in the victim role.14 The goal is to deceive third parties by scapegoating the true victim and creating doubt about their account of the abuse.15
The abusive person’s use of the DARVO tactic effectively isolates the person being victimized, cutting them off from potential sources of support.16 The attack on the victim-survivor’s credibility frequently leads to self-doubt and a distorted sense of reality where the abuser’s version of events prevails.17 Any attempt by the victim-survivor to confront the abuse is met with further harm, demonstrating the futility of resistance and reinforcing the abuser’s power.18
Manipulative people use the DARVO tactic as a powerful and often effective defense mechanism to:
- Escape accountability for their actions
- Frighten and intimidate the victim-survivor.
- Manipulate victims into doubting their experiences
- Maintain power and control in the relationship
- Humiliate the victim-survivor
- Avoid legal or social consequences (e.g., in intimate partner violence, family violence, or workplace harassment cases)
DARVO is a systematic manipulation tactic that has a devastating impact, eroding the victim’s trust in themselves, their personal support network, and even larger systems like law enforcement and social services. When abusers effectively employ the DARVO tactic, they extend their control beyond the individual victim-survivor, influencing family members, social circles, and institutions to doubt the victim-survivor’s account and hinder their efforts to escape the abuse.
How to Recognize DARVO in Marriage and Relationships
If you’re in a DARVO relationship, you’ll notice these patterns:
- Constant Denial – They refuse to admit wrongdoing, even when there’s clear evidence. Phrases like: “I would never do that!”, and “All my friends know how kind and generous I am, (s)he’s the only person who has anything negative to say about me!”
- Deflections and Blame Shifting – Instead of addressing the issue, they shift the blame back to the victim. Example:s The victim-survivor confronts abuser for yelling at them, and they respond: “I wouldn’t do that but if I did, (s)he made me because (s)he [insert fabricated wrongdoing here]!”
- Minimizing Your Feelings – They downplay the behavior. Example: “(S)he’s making a big deal out of nothing,” or “(S)he’s too sensitive.”
- Playing the Victim – They act as if they are the ones being hurt. Examples: and “After everything I have done for her/him, this is how (s)he repays me!” and “I have been assassinated. I have been buried alive.” 19
- Diminishing Your Credibility – They attack your mental state and cause you to question yourself. Examples: “(S)he is mentally fragile. (S)he doesn’t even remember the date the alleged abuse took place!” and “This is purely a money grab and nothing more.” 20
The Adverse Effects of DARVO on Mental Health
Being in a DARVO relationship can cause:
- Anxiety and Depression – Victims feel constantly guilty and confused.
- Low Self-Esteem – Victims blame themselves for the abuse.
- PTSD and Trauma Responses – Living in a cycle of denial and blame can be deeply damaging.
- Isolation – Victims often withdraw from friends and family to avoid more manipulation.
Gaslighting vs. DARVO: Key Differences Explained
While DARVO and gaslighting both manipulation tactics used distort reality. However, there are some key differences:
| Gaslighting | DARVO |
|---|---|
| Used before or during the abuse | Used after being confronted about abuse |
| Focuses on making the victim doubt their memory | Focuses on blame-shifting to the victim |
| The abuser controls the victim’s perception | The abuser controls the victim’s and bystander’s perception |
| Is perpetrated by one person on another person | Is used to groom the victim and third parties |
Example:
- DARVO: “Hey everybody, (s)he’s lying! Did you know that (s)he [insert fabricated wrongdoing here]? I’m the real victim!”
- Gaslighting: “That never happened. You must be remembering it wrong.”
How to Respond to DARVO: 6 Strategies to Protect Yourself
If you suspect someone is using DARVO against you, try these strategies:
- Recognize the Pattern – Learning what DARVO looks like in marriages and relationships will help you identify it when it shows up. This can empower you to emotionally detach from the manipulation, exit the reactive state, and make informed decisions about how to go for.
- Do Not Participate in Arguments – Someone who is using the DARVO tactic is seeking to elicit an emotion response from you. It’s likely that they have already discredited you to the third party or group. Therefore, it can be helpful to stay calm and refrain from arguing with them as this usually plays into their hands.
- Keep Conversations Brief and Firm – Someone who is using the DARVO tactic on you is likely to use your words against you. Do not give them any ammunition. Explaining yourself places them in a position of authority. Simply state, “I know what happened and I won’t be manipulated.”
- Gather Evidence – DARVO is most effective in “he said, she said” scenarios.” Therefore, it is imperative to gather proof of what happened to you. Keep a written journal of the events as they are happening with the date and time, take screenshots of email and text messages, and save voice memos of abusive interactions. The evidence you gather can help you prove your case legally.
- Stay Connected – Do not allow an abusive person to isolate you. Isolation makes you even more vulnerable. Instead talk to trusted family members or friends. Consider using our narcissistic abuse recovery coaching service to connect with an expert in this type of emotional abuse. Join a support group for victims or emotional abuse.
- Consider Leaving – If someone is using the DARVO tactic on you in a marriage or relationship and it is a recurring pattern, it might be best to end the relationship.
Real-Life Examples of DARVO Manipulation
The following case studies demonstrate how abusers use DARVO to manipulate social perceptions to maintain control. Each scenario reveals distinct patterns of discrediting tactics, demonstrating how perpetrators strategically employ blame-shifting, fabricated narratives, and emotional manipulation to isolate their victims and shore up external support. These cases highlight the devastating impact of DARVO, not only on the victims’ well-being but also on the wider social environment, showing the importance of understanding these dynamics to effectively address and prevent abuse.
Case Study #1: False Claims
When a child discloses abuse by one parent to the other, the accused parent may retaliate by denying the abuse, falsely claiming parental alienation, and portraying themselves as the victim.21 This manipulation can result in the protective parent losing custody and social support.22
Case study #2: Discrediting the Victim-Survivor
A common tactic used by abusers is to manipulate mutual acquaintances. When a victim confides in a friend about the abuse, the abuser may preemptively contact the friend, presenting a distorted version of events and portraying themselves as the injured party. This can involve fabricating evidence or twisting the victim’s words, ultimately leading the friend to distance themselves from the victim, compounding their isolation.
Case Study #3: Using Children As Pawns
In the context of family conflict, abusers often attempt to influence the children’s perception of the other parent.23 For example, they might describe the targeted parent as “stressed” or “unreasonable,” aiming to make them appear unstable and untrustworthy in the children’s eyes.24 This manipulation can lead to the estrangement of children from the targeted parent, and see them used as pawns in arguments or custody disputes.
FAQs on DARVO in Marriage and Relationships
What is DARVO?
DARVO refers to a defense tactic used by abusers, especially sexual offenders, in response to being held to account for their wrongdoing. DARVO is an acronym that stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.
What is the origin of the term DARVO?
The term DARVO was coined by Jennifer Freyd, PhD in 1997 in connection with her research on betrayal trauma theory.
How can I tell if someone is using DARVO on me?
If someone has wronged you and you confront them about the harm they caused, they are DARVOing you if they deny the harm occurred, attack your character, and reverse the roles of victim and offenders. In other words, they claim that you wronged them and, thus, assassinate your character which may cause you and others to doubt your account of events.
Can all genders use the DARVO tactic?
Yes. Anyone-regardless of their identity-can use the DARVO tactic to manipulate others.
Can DARVO happen in the workplace?
Yes. Workplace colleagues may use the DARVO tactic to avoid accountability for unethical behavior.
How can I prove someone is using DARVO against me?
DARVO can be proven by providing evidence that it occurred. Evidence can include records of text messages, emails, and—provided it’s legal in your jurisdiction—audio and video recordings. Witness testimonies are also a potential source of evidence. Be sure to understand the laws regarding evidence collection in your area.
Takeaway: Breaking Free from DARVO
DARVO is a highly effective manipulation strategy that distorts reality and keeps victim-survivors isolated and trapped. Learning to recognize what DARVO is and what it looks like in marriages and relationships is the first step to freedom. If you’re experiencing DARVO, it’s essential to seek support from a trusted loved one or consider speaking to an experienced recovery coach, with expertise and a proven track record of success in helping people recover from this insidious type of abuse.
How Narcissistic Abuse Rehab Can Help
If you or a loved one is ready to break free from a toxic relationship and reclaim your life, Narcissistic Abuse Rehab is here to kick start your recovery journey. We craft tailored solutions that support your unique path to healing, offering empowering one-on-one coaching sessions every week. Our world-class coaching services employ effective, evidence-based strategies to help you rebuild your inner strength, reconnect with your purpose, and achieve your recovery goals. Experience online support that empowers you to overcome past wounds and embrace a fulfilling future. Book a FREE 15-Minute consultation today.
How to Cite This Page
Wakefield, M. (2025). DARVO in Marriage and Relationships. Narcissistic Abuse Rehab. Retrieved from https://www.narcissisticabuserehab.com/darvo-in-marriage-and-relationships on [Date].
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- Quinonez, Ailyn Aguilar, and Tamara Kuennen. “Turning the Tables: How Those Who Are Accused Deny, Attack, and Reverse.” Wis. JL Gender, & Soc’y 38 (2023): 64. ↩︎
- Moore, Kristin Anderson, Susan M. Jekielek, Jacinta Bronte-Tinkew, Lina Guzman, Suzanne Ryan, and Zakia Redd. “What is’ healthy marriage?’Defining the concept.” Child trends research brief 16 (2004): 1-8. ↩︎
- Harsey, Sarah J., Eileen L. Zurbriggen, and Jennifer J. Freyd. “Perpetrator responses to victim confrontation: DARVO and victim self-blame.” Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma 26, no. 6 (2017): 644-663. ↩︎
- Wakefield. M. (2020). The Coercive Control Legislation Global Database. Narcissistic Abuse Rehab. ↩︎
- Freyd, J. J. (1997). Violations of power, adaptive blindness, and betrayal trauma theory. Feminism & Psychology, 7(1), 22–32. https://doi.org/10.1177/0959353597071004 ↩︎
- Harsey, S., & Freyd, J. J. (2020). Deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender (DARVO): what is the influence on perceived perpetrator and victim credibility?. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 29(8), 897-916. ↩︎
- Wakefield, M. (2020). How Narcissists Use DARVO to Escape Accountability. Narcissistic Abuse Rehab. ↩︎
- Harsey, S. J., Adams-Clark, A. A., & Freyd, J. J. (2024). Associations between defensive victim-blaming responses (DARVO), rape myth acceptance, and sexual harassment. PloS one, 19(12), e0313642. ↩︎
- Freyd, J. J. (2003). What is DARVO?. ↩︎
- Wakefield, M. (2024). Celebrities Support Diddy Amidst Sex Trafficking Allegations. Narcissistic Abuse Rehab. ↩︎
- Freyd, J. J. (2003). What is DARVO?. ↩︎
- Freyd, 2003. ↩︎
- Ibid. ↩︎
- Ibid. ↩︎
- Ibid. ↩︎
- Ibid. ↩︎
- Ibid. ↩︎
- Saad, N. (2019). R. Kelly cries and denies abuse allegations in explosive Gayle King interview. Los Angeles Times. ↩︎
- Wakefield, M. (2023) Who is Joi Dickerson Neal? Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs Second Accuser. Narcissistic Abuse Rehab. ↩︎
- Brown, S. (2023) How The Courts Perpetuate The Parental Alienation Industry. Narcissistic Abuse Rehab. ↩︎
- Alsalem, R. (2023) “Report of the Special Rapporteur on violence against women and girls, its causes and consequences.” Human Rights Council Fifty-Third Session 19 June–14 July 2023. ↩︎
- Wakefield, M. (2024). Exploring “Framed: Women in the Family Court Underworld” with Dr. Christine Cocchiola and Amy Polacko. The Narcissistic Abuse Rehab Podcast. ↩︎
- Wakefield, M. (2020). The Coercive Control of Children with Dr. Evan Stark. Narcissistic Abuse Rehab. ↩︎
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