A hobosexual is an underhanded breed of opportunist who enters into romantic relationships primarily to avoid homelessness.1 They are known for charming their way into hearts and homes for a rent-free ride and a steady flow of resources. These characters feel entitled to your residence, income, and domestic labor in exchange for nothing more than the dubious privilege of their company. Even worse, their manipulation tactics can escalate into squatting disputes, which can severely disrupt and complicate your life, often leading to legal battles over eviction. Recognizing the red flags of a hobosexual is key to avoiding exploitation.
Disclaimer: This article presents a perspective on hobosexuals in the context of heterosexual relationships from the viewpoint of women. It is important to note that this is a subjective perspective, and individual experiences may vary.
Origin and Evolution of the Term Hobosexual
Hobosexual is a relatively recent American slang term that is a combination of the words hobo and sexual.2 It came to prominence in late 1970s and early 1980s dating culture, when an increasing number of people facing homelessness began targeting vulnerable singles in bars and nightclubs.3
The term hobosexual has seen a recent resurgence, largely due to content creators on platforms like TikTok, YouTube, and Instagram sharing their experiences of being exploited by this type of opportunist. Today, a hobosexual is someone who engages in romantic relationships for personal gain, often exploiting the other partner in a relationship that mirrors parasitic symbiosis.
In their book A Hobosexual You May Know: Stories of a Social Predator, Author G.L. Williams describes the phenomenon: 4
“Although it could be anyone, it’s usually a man who manipulates a woman with lies, intimacy, and orgasms for the soul purpose of maintaining a place to live.”
In a YouTube video titled “Why You Shouldn’t Let Men Move Into Your Home,” published on July 13, 2023, journalist Melanie Hamlett shares her experiences with a hobosexual romantic partner.5 According to Hamlett:
“I don’t think people realize just how many hobosexuals there are out there. So many women have taken in these Peter Pan hobosexuals who have ruined their lives.”
Characteristics of a Hobosexual
Shortly after the term hobosexual started trending on social media, Melanie Hamlett released a follow up video in which she describes the hobosexual idea: 6
“The man drives the woman’s car, drops her off at work, takes her car and does God knows what with it while she is at work to earn the money to pay all the bills so he can keep sucking off her teat. He is typically not gainfully employed, but has a lot of odd jobs and brands himself as an ‘entrepreneur’.”
Drawing on her personal experiences, Hamlett identified several common hobosexual characteristics, including:
- They don’t have a fixed address. When asked where they live, a hobosexual will give vague responses, often avoiding questions about their living situation altogether. Their belongings are typically kept in a locker or storage unit.
- They never go home. During the dating phase, hobosexuals have a knack for turning into uninvited houseguests, clinging to your place with a stubbornness that borders on indignation when asked to leave. When they overstay their welcome and morph into full-blown squatters, knowing your state’s eviction laws becomes crucial to avoid being left out in the cold—legally and otherwise.
- They do not contribute. Hobosexuals neither pay rent nor lift a finger for utilities or household chores. In their exploitative playbook, they expect you to support them as if you’re their parent, not a partner. They’re adept at weaponized incompetence, leaving you to handle all the domestic drudgery, including picking up after their mess.
- They are seasonal. As the temperatures drop and winter’s chill sets in, these opportunists seek refuge in the warmth of someone else’s home, turning on the charm in a bid to secure a cozy spot. Hobosexuals are also known to make a play for a temporary haven around tax season, when financial motives might just be a bit more transparent.
- A string of short-lived relationships. They come with a long resume of ex-partners who initially indulged them, only to eventually reach their breaking point and show them the door.
- Concurrent relationships. At the first sign of trouble in paradise, they may engage in infidelity. They’re adept at juggling multiple partners, each one serving a different purpose in their resourceful playbook. One might offer a roof over their head, another hands over the keys to a car, while yet another may be their drug buddy. It’s a well-rehearsed routine of extracting benefits from each connection.
- Male entitlement. The hobosexual often believes that women are naturally nurturing and caring, and thus obliged to provide emotional support and care for men. Maternal entitlement is often shows up as expecting emotional labor from women, assuming women should do household chores, and feeling entitled to women’s bodies.7
- Sporadic employment history. Hobosexuals rarely hold down a steady job. Instead, they might be a jack of all trades citing a colorful string of gigs but these are just window dressing for their fundamental instability and nomadic existence.
The Psychology of a Hobosexual
Hamlett proposes that hobosexuals, regardless of age, often seek a ‘surrogate mother’ figure. However, a closer examination of their psychology suggests several underlying patterns or traits:
- Narcissism – Hobosexuals believe they’re entitled to a free ride on life’s carousel, expecting others to foot the bill without so much as a thank you. Relationships for them are less about partnership and more about personal profit, leaving their partners feeling drained and exploited.
- Emotional Immaturity: The hobosexual tends to be stuck in a perpetual state of adolescence, viewing relationships as a one-way street where they’re the only passenger. They’re so focused on the immediate reward of a free ride that they fail to see the long-term consequences of their actions.
- Dependency and Learned Helplessness – This type of opportunist is so accustomed to being taken care of that they either never developed or lost the knack for independence, latching onto partners like barnacles on a ship, expecting to be provided for.
- Machiavellianism: Hobosexuals often have a manipulative streak, either conscious or unconscious, using charm and deception to extract resources from others. They’re masters of ‘love bombing,’ showering their targets with affection to disarm them, and weaponizing their incompetence to make their partners feel like they’re the only ones who can keep them afloat. It’s a never-ending cycle of dependency and exploitation
- Avoidant Personality Traits: These artful opportunists often exhibit certain avoidant personality traits, such as low self-esteem and a deep-seated fear of intimacy. This can drive them to engage in self-serving behaviors and manipulate others to achieve their aims. The hobosexual enters into relationships based on convenience and personal gain, rather than genuine connection or affection.
At the heart of this parasitic behavior lies a toxic cocktail: entitlement, dependency, manipulation, and a stunning lack of emotional maturity. These opportunists have perfected the art of weaponizing romance and they’re always on the prowl for a new host.
“Some of the nicest guys I know are hobosexuals,” Hamlett says, raising her hands and using air quotes as she adds, “‘Free spirits’, who literally want to be Peter Pan for the rest of their lives. Women, do not be Peter Pan’s Wendy!”
What a Hobosexual Looks For In A Target
Hobosexuals often target people with a specific set of vulnerabilities that make them particularly susceptible to exploitation. On the one hand they are seeking someone who has established a stable home and steady income. On the other hand, their mark must also be empathic, conflict-avoidant, and willing to enable the hobosexual’s lifestyle.
When a people-pleaser comes into their crosshairs it’s like hitting the jackpot for these opportunists. Additionally, those who have a natural inclination to care for and rescue others are particularly vulnerable to being drawn into a codependent relationship with a hobosexual.
In essence, hobosexuals seek out individuals who are emotionally available, empathetic, and willing to go out of their way to help others. While these qualities are admirable, they can also attract exploitative personalities into someone’s orbit.
Case Study: Dirty John Meehan
John Meehan can be considered a hobosexual. His grifting lifestyle was the subject of the podcast Dirty John. He was a hardened criminal who made a career off of the exploitation of women. Meehan used dating sites to hunt for targets who he manipulated into providing him with a place to stay, financial stability, and other resources.8
When Meehan latched on to interior designer Deborah Newell, her daughter Jacquelyn was quickly able to discern that he was a hobosexual who was on the prowl to exploit her mother. According to Jacquelyn, Meehan’s attire was a dead giveaway.
“The second I opened the door, I just kind of looked at him head to toe and thought, ‘Oh, this loser,’ He didn’t carry himself very well. His body was kind of moping around.”
Meehan’s soiled scrubs and unkempt fingernails did little to corroborate Jacquelyn’s belief that he was a doctor. On the contrary,she grew suspicious of him and decided to investigate his background. As she suspected, he turned out to be an unemployed, homeless felon with a criminal record.
Summary
Hobosexuals prowl the dating scene, seeking to exploit the kindness of unsuspecting singles. Relationships with this type of manipulator often devolve into expensive legal battles, especially in states with squatter-friendly laws. In extreme cases, they may escalate to intimate partner violence and femicide. To avoid falling prey to hobosexual schemes, it’s crucial to recognize the warning signs. If you or someone you know has experienced this type of exploitation, expert support is available through our coaching service.
Resources
- Various. (2017, February 10). Hobosexual. Urban Dictionary. ↩︎
- Partridge, Eric. 2005. The New Partridge Dictionary of Slang and Unconventional English, Volume 1 (A–I), edited by Tom Dalzell and Terry Victor, 1008. London, New York, N.Y. Routledge. ↩︎
- Murray, Thomas E. “The Language of Singles Bars.” American Speech 60, no. 1 (1985): Page 19. https://doi.org/10.2307/454644. ↩︎
- Williams, G.L. (2023, January 30). “A Hobosexual You May Know: Stories of a Social Predator.” Boarman Holbrook Publications. ↩︎
- Hamlett, Melanie (2023, July 13) “Why You Shouldn’t Let Men Move Into Your Home.” YouTube. ↩︎
- Hamlett, Melanie. (2024, January 4). “You Might Be With A HOBOSEXUAL If…” YouTube. ↩︎
- McDermott, Ryon C., Jonathan P. Schwartz, and Melissa Trevathan-Minnis. “Predicting Men’s Anger Management: Relationships with Gender Role Journey and Entitlement.” Psychology of Men & Masculinity 13, No. 1 (January 2012): Pages 49-64 ↩︎
- Goffard, Christopher. 2017, October 1. Dirty John. Los Angeles Times. ↩︎