What is DARVO in Narcissistic Relationships?

Narcissistic relationships are built on manipulation, power imbalances, and psychological control. One of the most insidious and effective tactics used by narcissistic people to maintain dominance and evade accountability is DARVO—a psychological strategy designed to distort reality, deceive bystanders, and silence victims. DARVO, which stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender, is a method narcissistic people when confronted about their behavior to blame-shift, avoid consequences of the harm they cause, and keep the people they victimize trapped in cycles of emotional abuse.

This in-depth guide explains how DARVO functions, its connection to narcissistic personality traits, and how it impacts victims. It also contains actionable strategies for recognizing and protecting oneself from DARVO in a narcissistic relationship.

• Understanding Dysfunctional Narcissism
• Characteristics of a Narcissistic Relationship
• What is DARVO? Unpacking the Acronym
• How DARVO Functions in Narcissistic Relationships
• DARVO and Gaslighting: A Destructive Psychological Combination
• Long-Term Impact of DARVO on Victims
• How to Recognize and Protect Yourself from DARVO
• Summary
• Bibliography

Understanding Dysfunctional Narcissism

To fully understand DARVO and its role in a narcissistic relationship, let’s deconstruct narcissism itself. Popular psychology often distorts the meaning of narcissism, reducing it to mere arrogance or self-obsession. However, in its clinical context, narcissism is a word used to describe self-idealization.¹ It is a trait that exists on a continuum.² When balanced, it serves as a healthy component of self-esteem.³ When excessive, it can lead to destructive behavioral patterns.

At its extreme, narcissism manifests as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), a condition characterized by grandiosity, lack of empathy, and an insatiable need for admiration.⁴ People with NPD or narcissistic traits prioritize their self-image over reality, often engaging in manipulative tactics to maintain their perceived superiority. One of the most insidious tactics they use is DARVO—a psychological maneuver designed to escape accountability.⁵

Characteristics of a Narcissistic Relationship

A narcissistic relationship is defined by a power imbalance in which the narcissistic person seeks to dominate, control, and manipulate their partner.⁶

Key characteristics include:

• Lack of Empathy – The narcissistic person is unable or unwilling to consider the feelings and needs of their partner.
• Manipulation and Gaslighting – They distort reality to make the victim question their own perception and sanity.
• Exploitation – The narcissistic person uses others for personal gain without regard for their well-being.
• Idealization and Devaluation – The relationship often follows a cycle of intense admiration followed by harsh criticism and emotional withdrawal.
• Projection – The narcissistic person attributes their own flaws, insecurities, and mistakes onto their partner.
• Control and Isolation – They seek to limit the victim’s independence by isolating them from friends, family, and support systems.

These traits make narcissistic relationships emotionally exhausting, leaving the victim feeling drained, confused, and trapped in a toxic dynamic.⁷

What is DARVO? Unpacking the Acronym

DARVO is a manipulative response strategy used by perpetrators—especially those with high narcissistic traits—to avoid taking responsibility for their actions when confronted–especially by a third party. Coined by Dr. Jennifer J. Freyd, a professor of psychology at the University of Oregon, in 1997, DARVO stands for:⁸

• Deny – The abuser outright denies any wrongdoing.
• Attack – They shift from defense to offense, attacking the credibility of the accuser.
• Reverse Victim and Offender – They paint themselves as the victim while framing the real victim as the aggressor.

In narcissistic relationships, DARVO is not just a one-time reaction—it’s a process that is repeated over and over again. It is designed groom bystanders and to keep victims disoriented, silenced, and emotionally trapped.

“The perpetrator or offender may deny the behavior, attack the individual doing the confronting, and reverse the roles of victim and offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim—or the whistleblower—into an alleged offender.” ⁹

Jennifer J. Freyd, Ph.D.

How DARVO Functions in Narcissistic Relationships

Narcissists rely on DARVO to manipulate their partners, friends, or family members into submission. DARVO is used to cause the victim to doubt their own experiences. By the same token, it is so effective that it can be used to manipulate bystanders and entire communities.¹⁰ The tactic is particularly damaging because it distorts reality and undermines the victim’s confidence in their own experiences.

Here’s how each phase plays out in a narcissistic relationship:

Denial: The Reality Rewrite

The first step in DARVO is outright and vociferous denial. The narcissistic person refuses to acknowledge any wrongdoing, regardless of the evidence presented.

Common denial phrases include:

• “I would never do that!”
• “That doesn’t sound like something I would do or say!”
• “You’re being too sensitive.”

By denying reality, the narcissist person attempts to make the victim question their memory and perception—a classic gaslighting technique. They may behave as if they are morally injured by the accusation. In some instances, there may be a great show of emotionality. In others, they may speak very slowly and deliberately, measuring their words and the tone of their voice so as to appear steady and sincere in their rewriting of the facts.

2. Attack: The Character Assassination

Once denial plants the seed of doubt and deters the accuser, the narcissistic person shifts to the attack phase. This is when they attempt to discredit the victim through:

• Moral Injury
• Victim-Blaming
• Destroying their credibility to others

Examples of attack statements:

• “How come (s)he never said anything before? Now, all of a sudden I’m the villain!”
• “(S)he’s the abuser, not me!”
• “(S)he’s taken my parental rights have been taken from me–(s)he’s a criminal!”

3. Reversing Victim and Offender: The Ultimate Manipulation

In the final step, the narcissistic person reframes themselves as the victim. They weaponize sympathy, often exaggerating or fabricating grievances to draw attention away from their own misconduct.

For instance, if confronted about infidelity, the narcissist might say:

• “(S)he never gave me enough attention. That’s why I had to look elsewhere!”
• (S)he ought to be in prison for the things she has done to me!

By flipping the script, they not only evade accountability but also guilt-trip the victim into apologizing—further entrenching the cycle of abuse.

DARVO and Gaslighting: A Destructive Psychological Combination

DARVO is often paired with gaslighting, another manipulation tactic designed to make the victim doubt their perception of reality. Gaslighting and DARVO work together to:

• Undermine the victim’s confidence
• Create confusion and self-doubt
• Keep the victim emotionally dependent on the abuser

This powerful psychological warfare ensures the victim remains entangled in the relationship, unable to assert themselves or seek external validation.

The Long-Term Impact of DARVO in Narcissistic Relationships

Victims of DARVO in narcissistic relationships often experience:

• C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) – Due to prolonged psychological abuse.
• Self-doubt and learned helplessness – Making it harder to leave the relationship.
• Social isolation – Because the abuser has discredited them to friends and family.
• Anxiety and depression – From the constant manipulation and invalidation.

How to Protect Yourself from DARVO in Narcissistic Relationships

The best way to combat DARVO is through awareness and boundary-setting. Here are key steps to protect yourself:

1. Trust Your Perception

• Stand strong in the truth.
• Collect evidence of events to counteract gaslighting, i.e. journaling, texts, e-mails.
• Seek external validation from trusted friends or professionals.

2. Avoid Engaging in Power Struggles

• Recognize when DARVO is happening and disengage from the argument.
• Use phrases like “I will not engage in this conversation if you continue to distort reality.”

3. Seek Professional Support

• A professional trained in narcissistic abuse recovery can help reframe your experiences and build resilience.
• Support groups can provide validation and a sense of community.

4. Establish Strong Boundaries

• Limit contact or go No Contact if necessary.
• Clearly communicate consequences for manipulative behavior.

Summary

DARVO is a highly manipulative strategy designed to keep victims in a state of confusion and submission. When used in a narcissistic relationship, it becomes a powerful weapon that distorts reality, shifts blame, and maintains control.

Understanding the mechanics of DARVO is the first step in breaking free. By recognizing the patterns, setting firm boundaries, and seeking support, victims can reclaim their power and break the cycle of psychological abuse.

If you or someone you know is experiencing DARVO in a narcissistic relationship, seek professional guidance and support. Awareness is the key to liberation.

Bibliography